*This month’s post is written by Diana Hutchinson*
Q: I have a couple of people at work who really push my buttons. They are always critical and I find myself arguing with them. I leave these interactions feeling frustrated. Other people are annoyed by them too. Why are they always complaining and causing conflicts?
Dear “Push My Buttons,”
Most leaders realize that collaboration is valuable in achieving our organizational goals. When it seems like others are being critical and complaining, this makes collaboration difficult.
In my own experience, I’ve wondered could our own defensiveness be more of a problem than other people’s criticism?
In his TED Talk, The First Step to Collaboration is Don’t be So Defensive, Jim Tamm helped me realize that when we feel frustrated by other people causing conflict with us, we might actually be escalating the conflict by getting defensive.
His premise is “Defensiveness does not protect us from other people. It defends us from fears we don’t want to feel.”
Three big fears we don’t want to feel are around our own significance, competence, and likeability.
Whaaaat? Was I really so worried about not being competent that I had to argue back with them to distract myself from possibly feeling incompetent?
This new framing really shifted my story about what had happened. The other person brought up something they saw as missing or they didn’t think was done right. I reacted by arguing with them and pointing out the ways the other person was factually incorrect in their criticism. I then blamed them for being harsh or unreasonable and causing the conflict.
Tamm suggests we can make things better by creating our own defensiveness “Early Warning System”. Identify what happens when we are starting to feel defensive. He gives several common examples.
Which of these can you relate to?
Then, when we notice our warning signs, we can take action to slow things down so we don’t just subconsciously fall into defensiveness.
My coaching clients sometimes share stories of feeling attacked by others. When they are able to retell the story and include their own defensiveness as part of the timeline, how they feel about the situation and the other people in the story really shifts.
For me, the conscious knowledge of how I can slip into defensiveness has been a huge breakthrough. It makes it easier for me to stay in curiosity rather than vilifying the person who is bringing up a suggestion or question. And that helps me get into collaboration which benefits us all.
How much may defensiveness be getting in the way of how you want to be showing up as a leader? And, if you’re not ready to take your armor off yet, I understand. Our team is ready to have a conversation to explore what a good first step could be.
