Dear Asking For a Friend,

Ok, this is a tough one. And it’s very real for me right now, so I’m going to be thorough in my response.

A month ago I went through prostate cancer surgery while my team and I were coping with how to help people striving to be better leaders and team members when we can’t actually be in the same room.

The good news: My surgery was successful and my diagnosis is very good. (If you’re a man, I hope you get your PSA checked regularly. I had no symptoms and my 2019 end of year physical found my cancer at Stage 3.)

The hard news: Everyone, everywhere is struggling in some way with the changes occurring as a result of this global crisis. Personal health, professional future, family tension, grief and loss ...or any of the above.

One of our clients is actually up 30% this year because they provide materials to make sanitizers and cleaners. While that sounds great and their people know they are truly making a difference, some are starting to burn out from working so hard for so long.

Success in crisis can come from the context and perspectives we share
and depends on how we treat one another in difficult times.

The great news: What I’m about to share isn’t groundbreaking, and now is a time when friendly reminders can be very helpful.

These personal and business examples may help shift your perspective to better serve you and others. Try one or try them all. I hope they’ll help you work through your challenges with your team.

1. Think long-term - everyone needs perspective

I believe the best way to get through things is to focus as far ahead as possible.

Personal

While I was lying in my hospital bed, dealing with tubes and pain and drugs, I noticed my thinking went in two directions:

This really sucks. I’m hurting a lot right now. I miss my family. Why can’t they be here? What if I end up with those horrible potential side effects the doctor had to tell me about? Why me?

and

I’m glad we caught this early. I hope I get to enjoy a lot of time with my family once I get out. This is a good time to get into action and do those exercises. I want to get strong as I recuperate. I really look forward to getting to see my family again.

The first few days it felt like choosing my perspective was one of the few things I could control. Oh, and deciding between strawberry or orange gelatin. As my conditions improved, I found it easier to stay thankful and appreciative while imagining what I wanted to do next.

I once took a motorcycle safety course where the instructor shared most crashes happened when people fixated on the problem - the brick in the street, the parked car, the guardrail in a turn.

You’ll go where you look. If you’re on a winding road, sweep your vision through the turn and focus on where you want to be at the end of the turn. It doesn’t matter if there’s a hill in the way - sweep your vision over the road and focus on the other side of the hill. You will go where you look. Trust that your peripheral vision is enough to see and dodge the obstacles. Stay focused on where you want to go and you’ll get there.

In the nearly six years of daily riding, I never had an accident on my motorcycle.

[By the way, If you have literally or figuratively crashed, choosing what you want to focus on next can make the biggest difference.]

Business

In our business, we’ve invested 2-4 hours each week this month to step back through the same vital questions, informed by Patrick Lencioni, we use as we support clients with around organizational clarity:

Why do we exist?
How do we behave?
What do we do?
How will we succeed?
What’s important right now? and
Who needs to do what, when?

Right now we’re working through How will we succeed? and figuring out what strategies we want to use to differentiate ourselves going forward. It’s extremely hard to see anything on the other side of the hill we are approaching as our road disappears into a fog bank rather quickly.

Here’s a sample of the very challenging questions we’re asking ourselves: How can we possibly predict what’s going to happen in 9-18 months?! How do we know if people will be able to afford our help? What if no-one wants to get together? What do we need to do differently and what do we need to do the same? How can we let people know the support we provide could help them get through these challenges, without adding to the noise or coming across like we’re taking advantage of their pain?

Continuing to work together to see where we need to go will allow us to work through the pain and suffering we’re experiencing in the moment.

And about pain and suffering...

2. Be real and human - they’ll be able to tell anyway

Personal

My wife and I work in our company together. We also run our household. We’re juggling teenagers’ anxious energy, expectations for ending school years, and the responsibility of the livelihoods of ourselves and our employees. Stress is a frequent visitor in our home these days - and we know it is in everyone else’s, too.

We extend grace to our employees when they’re interrupted. Our staff says hello to our kids by name on Zoom calls. We aren’t hiding behind pretense that things in our household are perfect. Heck, I joined one morning team update from my hospital bed! That may have made some of my team uncomfortable and I certainly wouldn’t expect the same from them. However, seeing their faces and hearing about what was going on brought me connection and joy. Our team members call into our updates from their car, we laugh together, and we help each other remember this won’t be forever.

Until then, we keep showing up just as we are, doing our best. How can you help your employees do the same?

Business

In some ways, the response to COVID-19 hit our business like a tsunami. All in-person work and workshops postponed indefinitely. Budgets under extreme pressure due to unknown funding. Our personal ability to connect went from enjoying walking meetings to being restricted to a little tube bringing audio and video into our home offices, or we can be behind masks and standing 6 feet away from each other. Top that off with the unknowns around cancer and being out for weeks and I have been a little stressed.

During a recent conversation about what our team wants NOT to happen, someone shared we don’t want to be the source of a virus outbreak. I started to say I saw that as including us as well.

I don’t want any of us to get this sickness from being at work. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself… and I couldn’t finish. I was in tears. Everyone could see me.

And that was ok. After a moment, someone said: Thanks for letting us know how you feel. That means a lot.

I think it’s important to be human and real.

Hiding your humanity is not healthy for you - when you share your struggles wisely, you give other employees permission to be human. Respect your boundaries - your team members are looking to you to establish norms around how open and honest they can be about both the good and bad they are juggling in their own lives.

Don’t waste precious energy by pretending to feel something you’re not. People see right through phony demonstrations of strength. Allow your team to see you, encourage you, and value your efforts to encourage them through all of this.

Remember, too, some people may choose not to share. Respecting their choice and simply sharing you care about their circumstances is a good way to reinforce the importance of everyone being real and honest.

The last tip is about being helped and the difference it can make for you and your team.

3. Ask for help and be willing to receive it - they can’t read your mind and it helps them as much as it helps you

I believe directly asking for and getting help has a positive, multiplying ripple effect on everyone involved. First, though, work on getting yourself out of your own way.

Business

I can drive myself pretty hard at work. Why? I get inspired and energized by the shifts and changes I see with our clients and our team, and the resulting improved outcomes, relationships, and quality of life.

I’m also a recovering rescuer. Whether through nature or nurture, my default can be to take on more responsibility than is healthy for me and whomever else I’m “helping.”

Causing harm is the complete opposite of my deep intentions - and when I overload myself and unburden others, I can cause exactly what I don’t want: people feeling disempowered and disrespected while I struggle with too much to do and not enough time and energy to do it well.

As my pending surgery approached, I worked even harder to pack things in - until I ran out of time. I reluctantly started asking for specific help with this project, that client report, and those meetings with prospective clients. I was feeling pretty good, and then Katie, our Director of Operations and Content, asked right out: What do you need for your recovery time? I need to know.

Her request caught me off guard - didn’t she already know? I realized right then that I really didn’t want to ask for help. Maybe because I didn’t want to let her or anyone else down. I didn’t want to be the problem others were having to deal with. And yet she needed to know how to help me.

I opened up and started talking about being completely gone for a week and then reducing hours to ramp up slowing to allow for my recuperation. And moving to a 4-day schedule through the summer to help limit what I took on as I healed.

Katie’s request and support supported me to ask for the help I really needed.

Personal

I feel very fortunate to be connected to people who care about me. My immediate and extended family, colleagues, clients, neighbors, and friends.

At the same time, I pride myself on being pretty self-sufficient. I like to think “I’ve got this” when facing challenges or setbacks. Sound familiar?

Since I was open about the fact I was heading into cancer surgery, I received some lovely replies and well wishes. People offered meals, to run errands, or just to connect when I felt up for a virtual visit or milkshake drop off.

Reading each note and card, I felt gratefulness and love wash over me. It was wonderful - and then a curious thing happened. My very next thought was No, thank you. I got this. I didn’t want to impose. And as I thanked people and declined the first few offers, I could tell while they understood they were a bit disappointed.

It was the last line in one person’s note that shifted my thinking: I’m not able to do much right now, and I’d really love to help you.

I suddenly realized receiving an offer of help was actually a gift we would both get to enjoy.

Allowing people to provide me help would allow them to feel good about doing something they wanted to do. In this crazy time of so many things outside of our control, willingly receiving their help would be one of the best gifts I could give them. I started saying Yes, thank you.

The other day my son commented, as he dug into his third helping of a friend’s excellent lasagna: This is good, Dad. Maybe we could do this more often?

I let him know that yes, it was really good. And that being cared for after this surgery was hopefully a one-time good deal :o)

How about some support...for you?

Asking For A Friend, as you sort through your business and personal challenges, you may want to try out some coaching. Coaching isn’t about telling you what to do - it’s about providing a safe place for you to wrestle with the situation (and yourself), think through options, and get into action.

If you are personally experiencing challenges pulling you or your company down, my team is offering you a free 20-minute coaching session to help you get some traction.

Up for a short conversation? Remember, it’s a shared gift when you receive help from others ;o)