Dear Team Won’t Talk,

Every leader reading this has at some point felt shut out, isolated, or was the last one to know important information. You’re not alone.

I’m guessing you feel responsible and frustrated your people are essentially saying you are the problem. You aren’t sure how to do things differently. And even if you did, you don’t know how your team will respond.

While there are lots of reasons people decide not to talk or share information with a leader, our experience shows the top two are:

People aren’t feeling psychologically safe - they feel what they say can and will be held against them, especially when it involves their current and future well-being
People aren’t seeing a better future - they feel stuck because they aren’t enjoying their current reality, yet don’t see anything better, nor any way to get there

Until you deal with the first item and get some communication going, you can’t address the second.

My coach, the late Richard Reardon, was great at helping me process frustrations out loud to sort through what was happening and uncover what I, personally, could do about the situation. When I worked through my emotions, got clear on my perspectives, and started acting differently, I found other people (more often than not) responded positively in kind.

So let’s do some work together to see what we can do to increase psychological safety for your team:

First, separate your stories from reality

I’m guessing you’re thinking “Right! Those other people keep telling stories about me. That has to stop!”

Newsflash: so are you.

And you can’t tell what your stories are until you challenge them.

Drama researcher and fellow leadership consultant Cy Wakeman is big on this practice. She likes to ask people “What do you know for sure?” to help them separate story from verifiable facts.

To challenge your stories, ask yourself “What is truly real and what are you assuming?”

I find writing with an ink pen more cathartic than typing - do whatever works for you.

As you look at your situation, your goal is to separate your assumptions about why people aren’t talking to you from the facts of the situation.

Hint: absolutes like “never” and “always” are good indicators of story-telling.

Once you have your facts straight, you can think about how to show up differently.

Then decide how you would like to be treated

I once spent a couple hours riding in a car from Dallas to Waco listening to a manager talk about his frustrations with his new leader and colleagues. His primary complaint - once he worked through his stories - was that his boss had not recognized his hard work and contributions to the business.

I asked him: “He’s the founder, right? Just curious - when you have recognized his contributions?”

We rode in thoughtful silence for several minutes. “I haven’t” was the quiet reply.

A few weeks later he called me with a different story.

“You’ve got to hear this. I just complimented my boss on how he helped out the team this month and he was stunned. He kind of stuttered for a moment, then looked me in the eye and thanked me for the effort and results of a project I’ve been the lone advocate on all last year. It worked!”

Team Won’t Talk, one of the best ways to get what you want is to start giving it to someone else. Humans tend to reciprocate, so going first as the leader can make a real difference.

Unfortunately, in my experience many people in leadership positions feel their authority should be respected regardless of how they show up. Some think they shouldn’t have to do to others what they want done to them.

If that’s you, I understand. And I’ll gently nudge you with the idea that perhaps your staff could benefit from a new example you set of how you treat them - so you can be treated the same way.

Finally, connect courageously

Some people see courage as “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”

I’m not recommending this approach in your situation.

Instead, courage means coming from your heart. Being real and open. Taking small steps with individual members of the team in humble and authentic ways. And being willing to hear the impact of the situation without judgment of whether that perception is real or not.

People need to feel heard and that their viewpoint is understood before they can start connecting back. You can show you understand even if you don’t agree.

The first step in building a strong bridge is often just a thin cord connecting two sides of a canyon to each other.

Hint: less is more here. (Think thin cord rather than steel girders).

When you see someone, smile and look them in the eye. Ask how they are doing and listen. Share you want to work better together. Take small risks and be the change you hope to get for yourself.

Steady, positive, persistence can signal you care, they matter, and you’re not one to give up in a tough situation.

Keep being courageous

Trust and communication come with time, and they can be accelerated with courage. Team Won’t Talk, I wish you the best as you continue striving to make your company a place of supportive courage, aiming at a higher goal, together.

And if you would like some supportive coaching in this challenging situation, let’s talk. You and your company are worth it.