Dear Rejected -
Your question made me take a deep breath in, and then breathe out a big sigh. I feel your pain.
Welcome to “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
The good news is a lot of leaders end up here. You’re in good company.
More good news is your employees aren’t likely doing this to you intentionally. They are likely trying to do the right thing while being unsure of what the right thing actually is, and they are hoping you know something they don’t.
The most important factor to straighten out your situation is to interrupt the pattern as soon as you realize it’s there. The best place to start is with yourself.
1. Stop fixing and start exploring the other person’s thinking
Much easier said than done, as the fixing impulse may be one of the reasons you are as successful as you are. You see problems and then you fix them.
Instead of reflexively fixing, you can learn to help people deal with their own hesitations to solve the problem themselves. When you’re successful, they won’t come to you with problems and instead will just proudly share the solutions they’ve figured out.
An admission: as a recovering rescuer, I can slip back into advice mode without thinking. After all, I have really great ideas and want to be helpful. With good training by another executive coach, I do my best to bite my tongue and instead ask questions to help the other person think through the challenge, like:
What would success look like here?
What have you already tried?
What can you do with the resources we already have?
Who could help you with this?
What’s the first thing that will tell you you’re on the right track?
Asking questions helps - and so can pushing back in a good way.
2. Listen, understand, and disagree positively
When people bring you a problem they don’t think they can solve, often they are lacking self-confidence. Instead of showing how good you are at solving problems - not a big confidence builder for them - support them by not letting them off the hook.
I once had a leader who broke me of my (commonly-held) belief that “If you listen and understand, you’ll agree with me and therefore won’t hold me accountable.”
Up to that point in my young career, I had learned to be very creative finding reasons and problems outside of myself that were clearly preventing me from succeeding.
“I understand,” my leader said - and I could tell he really did.
“And I’m holding you accountable because you’re better than this.” His strong words demonstrated trust in me and belief in my potential.
I figured out quickly that investing energy in creating solutions instead of excuses was a better way to go.
Here’s some other statements to help you disagree with an employee, positively:
I hear you, and I believe you can do this.
You’ve proven yourself in the past and I know you can do it again.
I know you don’t think you can get past this, but if you did, how would you do it?
You are not giving yourself enough credit. You are the kind of person who can succeed despite these challenges.
Finally, even well-intentioned employees may not know what they’re really looking for.
3. Stop playing the “Not that rock!” game
In project management circles, the “Not that rock!” game is a shorthand, folklorish way to talk about the futility of action without clear outcomes.
In the story, the victim is an employee who’s desperately trying to meet requirements that are constantly shifting. “Bring me a rock!” shouts the boss. When the employee returns with a rock, the boss says “No, not that rock!” The game continues until either the “bad” employee quits, gets fired, or somehow stumbles across the desired outcome - the right rock. Sound familiar?
To stop playing, get clear about the outcomes needed without describing how to get them:
What does success look like here for the company?
How will you know you are on the right track?
What would get in the way of you being successful?
What’s your Plan B?
Rejected, unfortunately there’s no perfect method to escape the damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t challenge of leadership. As a leader, you bear the ultimate responsibility for the success of your organization - even if things aren’t “your fault,” you’ll be held accountable for the results.
The good news is, by helping other people step into their own responsibility, authority, and accountability, it’s possible they will not only succeed themselves but also to support the success of others.
Lao Tzu said it well two and a half millennia ago - “A leader is best when people barely know the leader exists, when the leader’s work is done and aim fulfilled, the people will say: we did it ourselves.”
Good luck!
PS.
If you find yourself inspired to try out the advice above, yet feel stuck on how to have the hard conversation with your challenging employee, sign up for a no-cost, 20 minute conversation to give you a positive nudge. It’s our pay-it-forward way to help leaders like you create great teams to accomplish great things together. No fixing - we promise!
