*This month’s post is written by Diana Hutchinson*
Dear Calling People Out,
Do you remember the protests at Standing Rock a few years ago? I had a friend who attended and told me a powerful story about her experience there. She was full of fire and anger about this injustice for the Native Americans and the environment, and she went to protest the planned oil pipeline. When she arrived, the protest elders requested that she shift her energy. Otherwise, they said, she was bringing more hate into the world with the way she was protesting. The world doesn’t need more hate, it needs more peace.
Have you ever felt stuck when you think about the best way to stand up for others when you witness an unkindness?
In the last few years, leaders have become more aware of the need for more inclusion in the workplace. Companies have brought in DEI training. Yet, evidence shows that some efforts to reduce racism can backfire and actually result in increased animosity.
And, there’s lots of advice about how important calling people out for their [rude / racist / misogynistic / homophobic / ageist / etc ] remarks is for the betterment of our teams and our communities. At first, speaking up seems like the courageous and necessary way to act -- to stand up for ourselves and be an ally for others by calling out mean people. Yet, what if calling people out in this way creates more separation and unkind energy in the world?
A few months back, I heard Aiko Bethea, a Black woman who guides leaders and organizations to remove barriers to inclusion, on Brené Brown’s podcast about creating transformative cultures. During their conversation, Brené suggested we need to have a learner mindset, and hold each other accountable in a respectful way when we are not being inclusive. She noted that people sometimes react to feedback by going into a shame spiral, but that’s not the same as shaming them.
Aiko’s response changed my life. She shared the idea of calling someone in, rather than calling them out. To paraphrase from the podcast,
I know the impact on me of what they said, but I don’t know what they intended. So I ask, “Can you tell me, when you used this word, or when you phrased it like this, what were you thinking or what does that mean to you?” Now I’m getting a chance to understand what was going on with them, what did that mean, instead of me jumping to my own conclusions. And I learn so much by inviting the person to explain to me…
And then she goes on to share the impact on her:
“Oh, so let me tell you… even though I know your intention, how this landed on me or others…”
Now that you know how this landed, what would your choice of words be or how would you reframe that?” It’s the idea of letting people learn from each other…
I’m coming in thinking, “They’re going to tell me something I don’t know because I don’t know what’s underneath that. All I know is how I experienced it. So let me figure this out. Let me ask.”
Aiko didn’t ignore the hurt, and she didn’t add to the hurt by criticizing the person who impacted her. Instead, she helped them learn about their impact with an invitation to change.
What would it look like if you could have a company culture where people called each other in rather than calling people out? Can you imagine a workplace culture where we don’t ignore unkindness, and also don’t increase the unkindness, shame, and backlash by our reactions?
You might be wondering what this sounds like in practice.
Chris shares a story of a time he was facilitating for a group, and he heard the CEO quietly comment to his neighbor, “I wish we had a real facilitator around here.”
What? Chris was taken aback - was there something the CEO was unhappy about with his facilitation for the group?
At the next break, Chris approached the CEO.
Chris - “I’m curious what outcome you were hoping for or what your intention was when you said you wished we had a real facilitator around here?”
CEO - “Oh, just that having you here makes such a difference, I wish we had your kind of support all the time.”
Chris - “Oh, thanks! Would you be open to hearing the impact on me?”
CEO - “Sure.”
Chris - “When I heard you say that, I thought you were unhappy with my work.”
CEO - “Oh, that’s not what I intended at all!”
Chris - “Knowing how it impacted me, is there anything you might do differently in the future?”
CEO - “Well I can watch out for making side comments.”
Chris - “I think that would help. Thanks for talking about this with me.”
Rather than the typical behavior of making assumptions and silently nursing our resentments, calling people in invites clarity and reconnection.
I’ve also seen Chris, when he noticed a reaction in someone on our team, ask, “I’m wondering what was the impact of what I just said on you?” He avoids the non-apology of “I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said.” Instead he asks, “May I share my intention?” and after sharing his intention, asks, “What would be a way I could share that would work better for you and get to my intention?”
The next time you notice behavior that might be harmful, I hope you will choose to practice calling the other in. As Martin Luther King Jr said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
You can work toward a positive, inclusive culture, and bring more energy of kindness into the world by calling others in. And, if you’re feeling stuck, let’s have a conversation about what this can look like within your team.
