*This month’s post is written by Erin Hottenstein*
“How do you regain trust when it has been broken?”
A participant popped this question into the chat in a recent online client workshop when we were exploring the importance of building trust at work.
We’ve likely all been there - beginning to wonder, “Can I trust this person anymore?” To me, this loss of trust is like a crack in my phone screen. You start out having a perfectly smooth, shiny, and clear screen, but then something happens. Something disrespectful or hurtful, causing a crack to appear. Depending on the transgression, the crack may be a small fissure or a big shatter mark with deep lines. With repetition, recovery seems impossible.
One time in my early career, after a history of bad interactions, my boss chewed me out in front of my colleagues. Exactly three weeks after she yelled at me, I was at a new job. I believed there was no way to repair this relationship, as my boundaries had been violated. I chose to exit. And, this situation was less than ideal. What if we could have handled this differently?
Maybe you can remember a situation where you felt trust was broken. Before the crack in the level of trust, you enjoyed working together, chit-chatted, and gave grace to one another. Now, when you have to work together, you have a knot in your stomach, you don’t make eye contact, or you avoid deliberately.
Maybe it’s not just you as an individual, but you’re sensing this dynamic with others on your team. The fissure may be small - meetings are a drag and people won’t say what they really think. Or the lack of trust could be a big shatter mark - conflict is too hot and people storm out of the room leaving others to sit in awkward silence. Lack of trust between individuals may greatly impact the way teams interact with one another.
In coaching conversations we often hear, “Why can’t I just do my job? Why do I have to deal with all these people problems?” We know how hard it is to hold tension and rebuild trust so the work we care about can be done. Yet, without trust at work, it’s like we can’t see straight. Because of the cracks, our vision is impaired.
As a leader or teammate, what can we do to begin to repair these relationships that need some repair? Back at the client workshop, participants pointed out it sure goes a long way when the transgressor acknowledges what they did and apologizes. If they admit they messed up and show concern for our feelings, then that begins to repair the relationship.
But what if “they” don’t apologize or make amends?
I believe trust is a two-way street. After I’ve taken the time to reflect and notice how I’m feeling, I can decide to shift my stance. A powerful question that helps bring me back to what I can control is “What is my role in this?” I can’t control what others do. I can only control what I think, say, and do.
There’s a phrase I heard a long time ago that has stuck with me (and it has evolved over time with different people saying it in different ways, so I won’t try to attribute).
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
As long as I am bitter, I will continue to see the cracks in the screen. If I want to stick around (or even if I don’t), then it’s up to me to sort through my judgments, come to a clearer view, and make new choices. It feels empowering to know that I get to decide for myself. And then I get to invite the other person in to ask how we can forge a new path moving forward.
Building trust at work - especially when it has been broken - is a brave and delicate thing. Relationships take care and attention. And starting with awareness about the relationships that aren’t going as well as they could may be a helpful place to reflect.
As you’re starting to think about the relationships you have and are wondering how to build better trust in your team, let’s have a conversation. And, if you’re feeling brave, you can share in the comments a particular insight that helps you when trust feels cracked. This is important work and I appreciate your willingness to be brave.
