Nice: adj; pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance; socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous

Many of us in the workplace right now grew up with the “Thumper Rule” (remember Thumper, Bambi’s adorable rabbit sidekick?)

In the Disney movie he bashfully says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

We grew up being admonished by parents to be nice to people. Even when we were upset or we felt we had been wronged.

Like those who grew up in the South, think of the ones who learned to use niceness as a sharp stiletto to make points they couldn’t make because we’re supposed to be nice.

Anyone else know a Southern lady who can wield “Bless your heart!” with the precision of a scalpel?

Too often, we find ourselves doing exactly what Thumper asked when in uncomfortable situations. We see something or experience a challenge at work and choose to say nothing at all.

Niceness is the social convention that is the destroyer of teams.

“Wait – what?” you might be asking. “Don’t we want people to be nice? Aren’t your teammates supposed to be nice to each other?”

Not exactly.

Teams that are too nice often have issues with decision making, commitment to goals, and employee accountability.

Flowing beneath the streams of niceness exist hidden reservoirs of unsaid feedback, heavy criticism, and reactions that remain publicly unacknowledged. When left unaddressed, these undercurrents have huge negative impacts on your team dynamics.

BUT I’M A NICE PERSON

Yes, of course. Please don’t stop being a nice person.

Instead, let’s look together at how the dark side of niceness could be showing up in your workplace. Take a few minutes to think on these questions:

Are you holding back from giving input to something because you don’t think it’ll go well? Do you have things you want to tell the project lead but you’ve chosen not to because you’re sure they’ve thought of the issue and it’s not nice to point out flaws?
Have you been asked for feedback and gone with a safe answer (or even no answer!) instead of pointing out the areas needing improvement?
Does your team make decisions in a meeting and then grumble about the decision made when they gather later in the kitchen? Maybe the next time you meet, no one has moved the project forward at all?

The dark side of niceness is when being nice begins to hurt the team and the company. Niceness is about being socially correct and agreeable. It’s rooted in a need for acceptance and a fear of consequences for saying things a listener might not like.

What if instead of being nice, your team focused on being kind?

Kind: adj; having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature; used especially of persons and their behavior; characterized by mercy, and compassion

Kindness starts with empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Where are they coming from and what is the challenge they are facing?

Add a dose of compassion to help make the other person’s world better.

Start with the question, “How can I help alleviate any pain or friction with the challenge?” Then, take action based on your experiences and capabilities.

Let’s shift the three examples from a being nice to a being kind perspective:

You are wondering if your project lead is aware of some potential challenges on your current project. You seek out the project lead to have a conversation about your past experiences on your current work. You ask for a short conversation to mention the kinds of problems you’ve run into in the past. Share how you’re confident of their leadership and you want to check to see if they were aware of what you already know. Lead with compassion and communicate you are sharing this perspective so they don’t have to suffer what you went through previously.
You’ve been asked for feedback on something that isn’t going well. You schedule time to sit down with your colleague and ask them how they think it is going and what they have already tried. You share your perspective and offer thoughts on what could be improved and how you can help. You ask if there are things missing or unclear that could be influencing what’s unfolding.
The decision doesn’t feel right to you, but the team is forging ahead. Instead of letting the train leave the station, you call a timeout and ask if people are feeling committed to the decision or if they are simply saying yes because they feel they should.

Ignoring what could be better isn’t actually nice. These omissions cause long-term damage to people and companies. If we focus on kindness inside of our teams and companies, we focus on the alleviation of suffering. We end up with happier people and better results.

How are you seeing both niceness and kindness show up in your organization? Do you need help shifting into kindness? Let’s schedule a conversation to explore possibilities.